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In other ridiculous news…

Watching the news sure can get you down sometimes. I suppose it’s important to know about the swine flu and the state of economy, but there’s so many other interesting things happening that we just never hear about. Here is an account of five recent events that didn’t get as much air time as they may have deserved.

1. Today is Odd Day: And you thought that every day was odd. Today literally is odd day. Today’s date (5/7/09) is one of six dates this century with three consecutive odd numbers. What a cause for celebration. Bust out the champagne! Maybe we’re all not ready to admit to enjoying something this nerdy. I will. I’ll admit it especially if we could have made it be a national holiday where we get to stay home and “celebrate privately.” What’s even more exciting is that Ron Gordon, who is really nobody in particular, is offering a prize. (If you have yet to begin celebrating you better hop on it.) The person or group who celebrates most enthusiastically will get…. $579!! Please contain your excitement!


2. The First Annual Naked News Awards: Remember thinking how much better the news would be if the hot news anchors were naked? Well, your dreams have come true. Now this is exciting. Fortunately for you this important competition isn’t over yet. If you can’t watch naked news on your TV, then you can at least check it out online. The winners will be announced on May 24 on the official Web site. I’m not even going to mention that if something is an annual award that it must have happened at least one year before. There is no such thing as a “first annual” anything but I suppose if nobody is wearing clothes that it’s okay.

3. Sex offender bites off own penis: Here’s one way to cut down on sex crimes. I wonder if we could get all sex offenders to do this. Damiene Iriarte, a registered sex offender, was found behind a building in Brooklyn. He was bleeding… because he had just bitten off the top of his penis. Didn’t he know that there were people he could pay to do that? He could have even found an animal to take care of the job, I’m sure. Regardless, this is an affordable, appropriate idea to cut down on sex crimes. Thanks Damiene for leading us silly Americans in the right direction. He deserves a medal or something.

4. Chicken McNugget emergency: Who can resist the delicious flavors of McDonald’s’ chicken nuggets? I certainly can’t. It seems that Florida woman Latreasa L. Goodman can’t either. After Goodman ordered a 10-piece from the beloved fast food restaurant, she was quite displeased to not receive her nuggets (because they were out of them.) What to do in a situation like this? Simple. Just call 911. “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money,” Goodman said, “and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” Now that is a serious emergency.

5. Boy Scouts Discrimination: Not only do the Boy Scouts of America hate gays, they also hate men who are overweight. Apparently, they have made it their corporate goal to eradicate homosexuals from their group as well as fat people. Next year they are announcing that men with brown hair can’t volunteer. Sound familiar? Perhaps they could change their flag to a Nazi flag. Okay, maybe that’s too much. They better be careful. Volunteering with boy children can’t be that heartwarming.

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