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Friendly North Korea: A joy to Americans

Looking for a summer vacation getaway? Let me suggest the beautiful, friendly North Korea, a.k.a. the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK). There you can visit the beautiful Tumen River, which shares a border with Russia in the northeast, or swim through the Amnok River on your way from North Korea to China. Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to experience a flood catastrophe like what happened in August of 2007 there.

If this isn’t enough reason for you to book your tickets right away, let me tell you more. You thought that the U.S. had a free, democratic government? Well, we don’t have it in our name like the DPRK does. As we have all learned before names of countries with the words “democratic” and “people’s republic” makes them instantly legitimately safe and intelligent.

Just don’t forget to get in touch with the DPRK’s tourism organization, called “Ryohaengsa” because it will get you set up with one or two permanent tour guides. (That is, as long as you’re not from the U.S. or South Korea, because if you are, you won’t be permitted to enter the country.)

Once there, here is a tourism guide of things not to miss.

1) Make sure not to miss out on seeing American journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee who will be imprisoned in a North Korean labor camp for the next twelve months. Perhaps while you are there you can remind North Korea that the U.S. Congress “sharply condemns” them for doing so and that President Obama is very disappointed in them.

2) God forbid you take a trip to North Korea and don’t get to see a “weapon of mass destruction.” All you have to do to see one is to pull someone who looks important aside and ask nicely. You can remind them George W. Bush is no longer president and that you won’t tell anyone if you’re allowed to see one….just one. Also, as a note, be sure to Facebook friend request the guy who lets you see it so you can tag him in the picture when you post it later.

3) Tell every North Korean you meet to get excited about Al Gore possibly coming over to talk their fearless leader into releasing our journalists. Be sure to tell them what Gore did for America in terms of the “green revolution.” You may even want to encourage them to get on the “green” train.

4) Bring President Kim Jong Il a salad. Gently remind him that he should be watching his weight considering he is the only fat man in his country. Just remind him that all the rest of North Korea is trying to catch up with him in weight and that he’s giving an unrealistic goal.

5) The most important thing to do in North Korea is take pictures of everything, including people. North Koreans are explicitly told to pose with tourists and welcome you with a smile when you ask for a picture with them.

With that checklist in mind, all I can say is good luck.

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